I've experienced a myriad of emotions today, as I searched for this writing I did after KayCee's death. I had to dig for it, but have really felt the urge to share this with everyone. There are so many emotions I feel and have felt since her death. The thing that I do know is that I have alot to share.
1. To be silent would be a travesty. I think that people should talk about death, or at least acknowledge that it is a part of life and it does happen. If you don't then I feel you set yourself up for alot of problems down the road. Of coarse I'll be the first to admit, that nothing, even talking about it prepares you for the eventual knock, knock, knock. What I hope to accomplish is that through me, when you have to deal with it's devastating effects maybe something I have shared will help you through your path of grieving and eventual healing.
KayCee we miss you come home, come home, KayCee we miss you come home, come home. The chant is in my head. It is a phrase that the girls on my daughter's softball team a year earlier would chant, as they would try to encourage their teammates to come home and score. It is so funny how so many things that we do in life mimic the true cause of why we're here. I struggle to let the thoughts go, so I can go back to sleep, yet I know that if I deny them I won't get anymore sleep this night.
WHAT IS HOME? Is it the home plate that they chant about? Is it the brown brick house next to the stake center? or is it HOME you know HOME. Ultimate destination back to our Heavenly Fathers presence. That HOME! I've come to realize that we try to create homes like our Heavenly Father. We try to buffer ourselves from the evil influences of the world. To teach our children of his plan and instill in them the things that will help them to overcome. OVERCOME? That is what this past year has been all about. I think of how my Heavenly Father has tried to instill in me new understanding of His mercy and Love. He has given me a dose of, "I know what is best for you even if you don't!" How many times do we use those words to teach our children? and how hard is it for us, when we must endure those same things.
I have struggled this past year as I have never before. Nothing prepares you to loose a child, especially one who was so full of life. KayCee had so much potential, she was an example to many. She had her moments as all thirteen year olds do but......for the most part she was what every parent hopes for.
This past year I didn't go to church much. It is so hard to walk through the doors and know that I won't see her in the hallways. Or look at her smiling face during sacrament. I also struggled with those involved, and to see them with their daughters was so hard. I had stayed home reading and searching for answers and grieving the way I felt I needed to do, I didn't want to deal with people asking me how I was, it's like DUH! I couldn't blame them for their ignorance. They cared but just didn't know what to say. I felt that Heavenly Father had something to teach me, but what? Why so harsh, I had so many questions that I needed answered, but realized that it was not on my time, but the Lords.
It was from the words of Joseph Fielding Smith that some of the answers have come. Doctrines of Salvation vol. 2 The chapter on the Sacrament. You know, he has a way of telling it how it is.....I knew that as I read his words that the Lord was trying to say, "It's time for you to come back." I had never looked at the Sacrament as, "the most important ceremony we can attend." It was just a church meeting that we should attend. I had been looking at it all wrong. It is a choice and Joseph Fielding says, "That if we love the Lord we will be present." To partake of the Sacrament. He talks about partaking it unworthily and he has very strong words about those who are absent from the meetings, such as you're committing grievous sin and are under grave condemnation. Those words took my breath away. So it was from that that I realized that it was time for me to go back, I had been given time to read and grow and grieve, but I needed to go back and be a part of church services. I made an appointment with our Bishop and had a long talk with him. It ended up being a good thing where alot of healing took place. What I realized is that I really love the Lord, and am grateful for what he has done for me. Sundays are not about me or what I'm going through. The light came on, it was so clear. Sundays are about the Sacrament. They are a time of pondering about the greatest gift we have been given. It is through His atoning sacrifice that we may be forgiven, it is also because of the Lord laying down His life and then taking it back up that we can be Eternal. I had missed the BIG picture. I was not showing my gratitude to the Lord by my absence. How could I be so inconsiderate of his gift to me? I have realized that I need His spirit to be with me. Just like a rebellious teenager I didn't like the lesson I was to learn from my daughters death. Yet as understanding came I began to realize that it is because of the Sacrament and our Lord that I will be able to see my daughter again. Forgiveness for my sins and the Lords power over death. My gratitude for what I have been given is tremendous. I am thankful for the words of a past prophet.
As I sang the words to the song, "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today" at Relief Society on the next Sunday, I cried because there was sunshine in my soul more glorious and bright. There was hope and praise and love for the blessings which he gives me now, for joys"laid up" above. I know what that laid up above means.
It is my testimony that we don't always understand why? That's OK, our children and teenagers don't always understand either, yet we want them to listen and trust, and do what we know is best for them. Our Heavenly Father is the same way. He does love us and He does know each of us individually. I can attest to that knowledge. I have learned the meaning of line upon line and precept upon precept. If we endure to the end, and I don't mean grudgingly I mean valiantly enduring to the end we will not only see our Heavenly Father again as he wants, but we will know of the joy's that are laid up above. I know that Heavenly Father exists and that he is the light within the storm that rages all around us. The beacon that encourages us on, he will guide us and show us the way HOME one step at a time, if we just seek Him out and take advantage of His teachings, using the saving grace of the Atonement given so lovingly by our Savior. They are there always waiting for us to come unto them. We should be grateful for the magnificent blessing of the Sacrament and if we go with love in our hearts for our Savior it will be more meaningful and a greater blessing in our lives. Home is not so very far away. Let us all partake and follow the path that has been laid out for us.
3 And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.
Note:
KayCee was involved in an accident Aug 2, 2003 on her way home from her first Youth Conference. The accident claimed 4 lives, hers included. KayCee left us a special legacy because her last journal entry was July 29, 2003 Her last sentence was "I know the Gospel is True." and she did. She is now HOME, and I can imagine her chanting, "Family I miss you, come home, come home."
Of coarse I have continued to learn many things since her death. Hers was the first of many others since. If I had not gone through losing her, I would never of been ready to help my sister, nor would she of been prepared for her trials that followed. Then I have to add that on the day that my sister found out that her husband had a positive diagnosis with cancer, that my best friend whom I met in Germany back when I was first married and so young....called me. We had our first born children while in Germany. She had her son in April and I had KayCee in Dec. Well her son was in an accident that day....I got to the hospital to find out that he died too. What are the odds? There are so many stories involved with both of them and things that I have learned from helping them. I didn't pick this for me, but as Deanna said, there aren't many who can do what we have the ability to do. I have learned much from and through her. I am clay in the Master's hands and it's amazing what He is capable of if we let Him do His work in our lives.
I am grateful for my knowledge and testimony that Families are Forever. After all, it started with our Heavenly Father and His love for us.
